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The Taser
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!
Yipeeeeee!
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?? It seemed reasonable to me at the time...
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water... All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"
Friggin' way --- trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it buddy." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree???) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it... (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight --- always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, other parts of my body nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly...)
LORDY ALMIGHTY that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my missing body parts? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. I’m offering an award, I’d really like to have them back.
Never Touchin' the Taser Again!
Miles: 294
Comment
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Comment by sgtgrogg on May 21, 2012 at 7:56am
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LMAO thanks Horn I haven't laughed that hard in weeks
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Comment by spider on May 21, 2012 at 7:37am -
Horn! Dude, I laughed so hard while reading this I nearly went out and bought one to give to my ex....operating end first! I work in the ER and have seen many a bada$$ dancing on the end of an officer's two pronged lightning rod, so I know your pain. Hope the missing parts have come back to roost.
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Comment by shygirl on May 4, 2012 at 9:40am -
lmfao that is so funny hope you find youre body parts
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Comment by Patty Williams on May 4, 2012 at 2:35am -
Ive got one, IN RED!!! Mine is a tazer/stun gun. I used the foil guy that came with it to practice a shot. That thing just kept shocking over and over! I so want to use it., I don't know, I may sound sick but there is just something funny about seeing a would be attacker on the ground, twitching and me at the controls! I would aim for the sack. I say sack because men who attack women sure don't have balls to fill a sack as far as Im concerned. I guess women could be attackers too, but hell, Id just punch them.
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Comment by Edgewalker54 on May 4, 2012 at 1:00am -
OH YEAH! Done that, but it weren't quite like that!
I bought a taser for ME! And yes, it DID have a spark between the prongs... A nazty sizzly sound that was instantly mesmerizing and called to me "Edge... you want meeeee...." Being the sik individual that I am (I was an electrician) I just HAD to test it out! Since I had read the above article (years ago) I knew that if I did it myself... I would not be able to "Let Go" with a 1 second burst. So what to do, what to do...?
Ahhh, I would enlist a 'Volunteer' from my friends! Now, if you have followed my posts... you are aware that my friends are a bunch a sik bast*rds just like me... So I asked Leper (just a riding name, because he shed skin from sunburn. Red-head ya know) to Taser me. In the leg... not the neck! He suggested that I turn away from him, so as not to 'clinch up' before the "event". I agreed like the trusting fool that I was... and he shot me in the NECK!
I could hear their laughter in a far-away place... but I had done a 'Nose-Dive' into the tiled floor... Notice I say NOSE-dive? Yep, square on the ol honker! They told me later that I was doing "The Chicken" on the livingroom floor... I threw up just a little, and I peed a LOT! ohtheshame... When I got up, I couldn't calibrate my motions enuff to punch Leper in the throat, so I threw up on him... Vengeance! But, then my head threw me into the coffee table with a sudden convulsion... Spilled all their beer and the bong!
I figure that it was Karma for them laffing at me in my suffering... So, I finally sat down, had a brew or three and the convulsions seemed to be receding. The next nite, I was in the sack with a sweetie I had been chasing for... I dunno... two weeks? We are just getting ready for the 'Moment of Truth'... and my legs go into VIOLENT spasms and I am unable to complete the 'Task at Hand'... ohtheshame!
When Leper came home that night, there was shave creme in his bed... and urine in his last Corona brew in the fridge... Too much? Naaaa...
I'm sure, somewhere... rite now... one of them is telling the story "Dood, I saw a guy that wuz Tasered... Laffed my ASS off!" sik bast*rds...
Edge "GettinEven" Walker
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Comment by bill-ny on May 3, 2012 at 9:00pm
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To funny....
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Comment by misiu on May 3, 2012 at 8:39pm
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Thank-You for making me laugh out loud so my kids were wondering what the heck I was reading! :0) It is funny because I think I might have been the type of person to try it too!
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Comment by pillion resa on May 3, 2012 at 7:40pm -
thanks for the hardy laugh; your wife rides her own bike, right? har har har
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Comment by Vin Johnson on May 3, 2012 at 7:25pm -
My God thats Freakin hilarias, I've done some shit like that . Reading your story gave me some therapy Thanks.
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Comment by AbzWayne on January 26, 2012 at 7:31pm -
Ohh Man .. Well at least you know your Ickle Sweet Thing has a wee bit of protection now !! So thats good, am just glad you didn't test it on the doggie !!
BTW !! Why is it, that guys like us will look at something, read what it says, with all the daft warnings and the likes, but think to ourselves " Yer Right !!! " No Way will this little thing manage that !!!
Really wish that tasers and other stuff like that were legal for protection here in the UK !
Anyways, Thanks for sharing, spent most of my time reading it giggling my ass off as I knew what was coming !!
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